Post by Glenda Gustin on Oct 9, 2023 3:24:25 GMT
Columbo: 'Bye Bye Sky High IQ Murder Case' unofficial transcript
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Bye Bye Sky High IQ Murder Case'
The Sigma Club is meeting, members and partners Bertie Hastings and Oliver Brandt are playfully arguing. They both go upstairs and argue some more. Bertie accusses Oliver of embezzlement, and Oliver threatens to shoot Bertie and then actually shoots Bertie. He sets up the record player to drop the dictionary, that will cause the ‘shot’ to ring out, while Oliver is downstairs. The gun he puts inside an umbrella which he shoves up the chimney, using a sleeve that he takes off and puts into his pocket. Through some of this, the song ‘Boo Hoo’ is playing. Through some more of this, Tchiachovsky I splaying.
Xxx: That wasn’t xxx So there I was, in the Sigma Society. An IQ right at the top of the scale. And then my first thought was, ‘What a crummy world. Somebody as smart as me is nothing but an ordinary welder’. And then I got my head straight. And I figured it out that it was a pretty sensational world, where even a welder’s got a high enough IQ to be in the Sigma Society.
Laughter and applause.
Xxx: Not there’s anything wrong with being a welder. Cause I want to tell you right now that there’s nobody that can even begin to do what I can do.
More applause.
Xxx: becaue the one thing you can’t figure out, the one problem you can’t solve, is what you’re all doing here. I mean what we’re all doing here.
More applause.
Xxx: Thank you Mike, thank you. Mike with all due respect, lecture on feelings of inadequacy, I thought we were going to hear from a computer engineer on intelligent machines. May I ask the chairman if he still intends to bring in an outside guest.
Bertie:I don’t know if I’ll have enough time, but I’ll try.
Xxx: Good. Thank you Bertie.
Xxx: For you businessmen and ladies, I have the neighborhood report on crime. They strongly recommend the purchase of a burglar alarm. Miss Eisenbach has prepared a study of the various units available, the advantages,
Xxx: Mr. Brandt,
Oliver: Good heavens, I am late.
Xxx: Oliver, we were just discussing a burglar alarm.
Oliver: Dear me, I didn’t know we had anything worth stealing. Unless of course it’s Bertie’s incredible brain power. I understand the Russians have been after him again.
Lots of laughter.
Xxx: Okay gang, that’s it meeting adjourned.
Oliver: That. My dear, is the total history of Bertie’s life.
Bertie: Does the joke always have to be at my expense?
Xxx: Are you two at it again?
Oliver: Again and forever. Friends forever. Partners forever. Right, Bertie? Bertie!
Bertie: Friends.
Oliver: There’s a good little fella. Something wrong?
Miss Eisenbach:: I think I just drank my contact lense. It’s there! I found it, I’m sorry. Always sorry. What are you up to, Caroline?
Caroline: Making an inventory of everything in the house. For the insurance.
Oliver: Don’t you have to go around and look at things?
Caroline: Don’t have to look. Remember.
Oliver: Imagine. While this wine was still in a French cellar, you Caroline were being put together by a confluence of data processers and memory banks.
Bertie: Oliver, I have to talk to you.
Oliver: I want to talk to you, Bertie. Pick a page.
Bertie: 237. Pick a number.
Oliver: 12. Even.
Bertie: Odd.
Oliver: Come along, Bertie. To the library. The drinks are on Bertie. Or on me.
Xxx: A dollar says Brandt wins again.
Caroline: It’s only luck, you know.
Inside the library
Oliver: page 237, correct?
Bertie: Yes.
Oiliver: And word?
Bertie: Twelve.
Oliver: All right. Here we are. Corina. Or Cor I na. Very clever, it’s even. Drinks on you, Bertie. Interesting. Corina. We seem to have forgotten our biology. Corina is a part resembling a ridge as in the projection on the breastbone of a bird. And that is the word for today.
Bertie: I didn’t come up here to play games, Oliver.
Oliver: Nor did I, Bertie.
Bertie: You’ve always enjoyed tormenting me.
Oliver: Now, don’t be a fool.
Bertie: School, college, even our own firm. I’ve always been the butt of your jokes.
Oliver: I’ve always been your friend, Bertie surely you know that. Oh come on, Bertie I never taunted you. I only tickled you.
Oliver proceeeds to tickle Bertie they both laugh and Bertie begs him to stop.
Bertie: No. I’m through running. I know. I know. I know what you’ve been doing at the office, Oliver. I know how you’ve been stealing from our clients. I took the trouble to examine your accounts.
Oliver: I know you have. I’m well aware of it.
Bertie: Oh? Are you aware that I intend to expose you?
Oliver: Oh in that case I intend to kill you.
Bertie: We were friends. I could never hurt you.
Oliver: I couldn’t hurt you either.
Bertie: Stop. You can’t shut me up. I’ll tell the whole world.
Oliver: Bertie!
Bertie: How rotten you are.
Oliver: What a pity.
Bertie: Oliver! Oliver! I’m talking to you!
Oliver: Yes, I hear you. I hear you old friend.
Pop. Pop.
Oliver: I really did love you, Bertie.
Downstairs, the phone rings and Oliver is talking.
Xxx: Yes, hello.
Oliver: Tonight, children the drinks are on Bertie.
Xx: Congratulations, Oliver.
XxxCongratulations.
Caroline: What was the word, Mr. Brandt.
Oliver: Carina. C a r
Caroline: With a capital C, Carina is a constellation in the southern hemisphere.
Oliver: This was not capitalized.
Caroline: Oh, well then it’s like the breastbone on a bird.
Xxx: The phone’s for you, Miss Eisenbeck. Memphis.
Miss Eisenbeck: It’s my daddy. I’ve been trying to reach him. It’s his birthday.
Xxx ..waiting for his call.
Xxx: lucky again.
Miss Eisenbeck (into the phone) Daddy!
Xxx: Why don’t we go out and put the living room back in order. Come on, come on, gentlemen.
Oliver: The club’s still insured through you, isn’t it?
Xxx: Yes, and very well. Fire, theft, the works.
xxx…spending all this money on a burglar
Bang. Bang.
Xxx: Those were gunshots.
Oliver: Bertie! Bertie! Bertie! Oh my God, Bertie! Bertie!
Xxx: Take Caroline downstairs.
Xxx: I think he’s dead.
Xxx: You mustn’t look.
Xxx: You’d better leave. Come on.
Oliver: Oh my. Oh my.
Lieutenant Columbo enters the house, inspects the crime scene, then goes downstairs to talk to the group members. Then goes outside and gets into his car.
Columbo: Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide. I thought you’d like to be up here, away from all those people down there. Being that the victim was your friend and partner.
Oliver: I’m really quite upset. I do appreciate the courtesy.
Columbo: This Sigma Society, sir I understand it’s some kind of club, to tell you the truth, I don’t understand what kind of club it is.
Oliver: Well, it’s a private club, international we’re just one chapter. All the members are tested. And they have to rate in the top two percent.
Columbo: Two percent of what, sir?
Oliver: Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Top two percent in the world? Is that what that pin means?
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: Here I’ve been talking with the most intelligent people in the world and I never even noticed. May I ask, sir, what is it you people do in a place like this?
Oliver: Meet, discuss, enjoy each other’s company.
Columbo: Scientists?
Oliver: Not necessarily.
Columbo: Like a think tank?
Oliver: No, no, nothing nearly as grand, Lieutenant. People come to Sigma from all walks of life, all kinds all types. There are twenty thousand of us around the world, we’re really quite ordinary.
Columbo: Except for this.
Oliver: Well..
Columbo: You’re not ordinary. Brandt Hastings, that’s a very important accounting firm, sir. I’ve heard of them.
Oliver: Very kind of you, Lieutenant, but it’s quite true. We handle—we—oh dear.
Columbo: Just a few minor questions, sir,. Some of the ladies say that they heard music coming from up here.
Oliver: Bertie must have put on a record after I left. You see, we were playing a word game. Looking things up in the dictionary.
Columbo: On the floor, sir?
Oliver: He must have put it on the floor.
Columbo: You mean to tell me, Mr. Brandt, that these very intelligent people still like to play with trains?
Oliver: Some of us do. Poor Bertie did.
Columbo: Well, I’ll tell you, that’s a relief to hear. Because I’ll tell you the truth, I could play with something like that forever. Caroline Trainer. That’s the one.
Oliver; I beg your..? Oh, our youngest member.
Columbo: She’s a member, too? Fourteen? Amazing. Okay, now Caroline she was standing in that door over there, and she says she didn’t hear any footsteps going down those stairs. Now, everybody else heard the burglar. That is, the man that killed Mr. Hastings. May I ask you, sir, what did you hear?
Oliver: I don’t remember.
Columbo running the back stairs.
Columbo: Okay!
Xxx: Thirty seconds.
Columbo: Exactly what I got when I timed it.
Xxx: We didn’t start up there the second we heard the shot.
Xxxx: That’s right, we were stunned right?
Xxx: Eight, maybe ten seconds.
Columbo: Good, that means forty seconds passed between the time when you heard the shots and the time you arrived in the library. Is that right, excuse me Mr. Uh
Jason: Jason Danzinger. I’m the president.
Columbo: Mr. Danzinger. Then when you arrived in the library, you saw the other door slam shut? Now, when you heard someone running away, did he go down the stairs one step at a time, two at a time; how?
Danzinger: One at a time.
Columbo: You don’t agree?
Xxx: No. No. It was at least two at a time, he was really flying.
Columbo: Heavy man, sir?
Xxx: I’d say so.
Xxx Do you agree, sir?
Xxx: Not necessarily. Average man.
Xxx: He sounded light to me. I think it was a woman.
Columbo: Well, that clears that up…
Oliver: I must say, after this dreadful affair it would be comforting to have a policeman as a member. Uh, Lieutenant, do you happen to know your IQ?
Columbo: Mine, sir? Oh, no sir, they took it in the Army but they never told us. I’m certainly not in your league, sir,
Oliver: Oh, you might astonish yourself. Do you enjoy riddles,puzzles, that sort of thing?
Columbo: Well, I enjoy them, yes sir, but I don’t have a feel for them. Now Mrs. Columbo, she’s a whiz at crossword puzzles. Here’s my car, sir.
Oliver: You might consider testing yourself. Lieutenant, I’m going to give you a little problem to test your powers of logical thinking.
Columbo: Oh, that’d be fine, sir.
Oliver: It’s what we call a minimum information problem.
Columbo: Minimum information?
Oh, practically none. Now in a room, are several sacks of gold pieces. As many sacks as you like. Each sack contains several of these gold pieces, again as many as you like.
Columbo: Right, got it.
Oliver: Now one sack, however, is full of artificial gold pieces. And they weigh differently.
Columbo: Ah hah.
Oliver: Now, the solid gold pieces weigh, oh let’s say a pound each. And the artificial pieces weight whatever you like.
Columbo: Well, what about a pound and an ounce?
Oliver: Splendid, why not? Now, you have a penny scale.
Columbo: And I put a penny in and I get a card that tells me how much the weight of the gold is.
Oliver: Exactly. But, you only have one penny. Now, which sack has the artificial gold pieces?
Columbo: That’s it?
Oliver: That’s it.
Columbo: That’s a hell of a puzzle. Gee Whiz. You know, I got a puzzle myself, sir. As I understand it, you people you were all downstairs when you heard the shots, and you ran up stairs to the library and that took about forty seconds. But during that time all the killer had to do was take the wallet out of your partner’s pocket, and remove the money. Ten seconds. What did he do with the rest of the time? I mean, thirty seconds, sir. That’s a long time to hang around after you’ve just killed a man.
Oliver: Yes, a logical question. Very good, I agree with you.
Columbo: I’m gonna think about that puzzle, Mr. Brandt.You can count on that. Good night, sir.
Oliver: Good night.
Oliver goes outside and buries something under a flower. Then he goes home and talks with his wife Vivian.
Vivian: Oliver, is that you?
Oliver: Yes, love.
Vivian: How do you like it? I bought it for you.
Oliver: Quite lovely.
Vivian: Oh. You’re moody again. Xxxx. What’s that?
Oliver: What? What is it?
Vivian: That’s some mud? What have you been up to? There. Oliver, are you all right?
Oliver: No, Vivian, it’s Bertie. He’s dead.
Vivian: What!
Oliver: At the club. He was in the library, he was alone. A burglar got in.
Vivian: Oh, Oliver.
Oliver: Shot him twice. The police came.
Vivian: Oh, you must be feeling awful.
Oliver: I was always the lucky one. He had no one.
Vivian: He had us.
Oliver: I have you. Poor Bertie.
Vivian: We must put Bertie out of our minds. We’ll take a trip. We’ll buy some clothes.
Oliver: I’m sure you will.
Vivian: You’ve been behaving very strangely lately.
Oliver: My best friend is dead, Vivian.
Vivian: Darling, we’re alive. Let’s enjoy life. While we can. I don’t want to spend it watching you grieving dismal sweet intelligent face.
Oliver: Quite right. Please forgive me.
Columbo at Brandt hastings.
Columbo: I wonder if you might be kind enough to tell me where I might find Mr. Brandt’s office.
Secretary: Through the double doors. Mr. Brandt’s secretary will help you.
Columbo: Thank you very much, ma’am.
Columbo: Excuse me, I’m looking for Mr. Brandt’s secretary.
George: He’ll be right back. I’m George Cantenella, may I help you?
Columbo: No, no, no sir, just waiting for Mr. Brandt.
George: He’s not my responsibility, not anymore. He’ll be right back, just have a seat.
Alvin: Yes, can I help you?
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much sir, just waiting for Mr. Brandt’s secretary.
Alvin: As of today, I am Mr. Brandt’s secretary.
Columbo: You are? I just met Mr. Campenella.
Alvin: Oh, I am sure you did. My predecessor considers himself quite a big deal.
Columbo: Is that a fact. I’m Lieutenant Columbo, sir, police and you are…?
Alvin: Alvin. Alvin Metzler. Until last night I worked for Mr. Hastings. A fine man. I hope he rests in peace. This is about Mr. Hastings?
Columbo: Yes, sir. Bertie Hastings, the deceased. I’m looking for Mr. Brandt.
Alvin: Mr. Brandt took an early lunch. Sometimes he walks in the park across the street. South side of the building.
Columbo: South side of the building, thank you very much.
Columbo: What is that, women’s lib in there? They don’t let ladies do that kind of work anymore?
Secretary: It’s still legal. The partners prefer male secretaries. Graduate accountants. That way they learn the business and they move up.
Columbo: Now why didn’t I think of that? Then they get secretaries, right?
Secretary: Girl-type secretaries.
Columbo: This fellow George, the one that I just met in there, he used to work for Mr. Brandt, I guess he just got promoted.
Secretary: Right. A full-fledged accountant. I hope Alvin was polite to you in there because he’s very upset.
Columbo: Oh, so Alvin thinks he should have gotten promoted? Who can figure bosses?
Oliver is in the murder room and retrieves the unbrella from the fireplace, and the gun from inside there. He stuffs the gun into his belt.
Oliver is walking in the park, and starts to put the gun into the trash when Columbo comes up to him. Then when Columbo runs off to get ice cream, Oliver places the gun into the trash, and a worker comes and takes the trash can away.
Columbo: You know, sir that new secretary of yours, that’s a man you can really depend upong, that Alvin.
Oliver: Alvin?
Columbo: Yes, Alvin. He tells me how much you like to come to the park after lunch, and here you are just like he said. Mind if I walk along, sir?
Oliver: No, no, I’d be delighted.
Columbo: I also met your other secretary, the one that’s the accountant now.
Oliver: Yes, George.
Columbo: George. Would you do me a big personal favor, sir?
Oliver: My pleasure.
Columbo: You see, I have this nephew he’s studying to be an accountant. Isn’t that terrific? I mean the young people today, you know, all they want to be is movie stars and football players, now this boy, he wants to be an accountant. And I said to myself who could give me better advice to pass along to my nephew than Mr. Brandt? I mean you know firsthand how this fellow George worked himself up.
Oliver: Well, that’s because our firm has a policy of rewarding skill and dedication rather than seniority. As far as your nephew is concerned, I suggest he get all the education that he can, and then when he starts to work, apply himself assiduously.
Columbo: Mr. Brandt, thank you very much. That’s very good advice, and I am going to uh, where’d you get the ice cream cone, sir?
Oliver: From a vendor across the park.
Columbo: Oh, I was going to get one but that’s too far. Look at that sir, today’s my lucky day. I’ll be right back.
Columbo: Delicious, sir. Just delicious.
Oliver: Yes, I know Lieutrenant, I’m thoroughly addicted.
Columbo: Addiciton. That must explain the umbrella, sir.
Oliver: My umbrella? Well, it’s such a beautiful day, sir. I have to figure that you always carry an umbrella. Another addiciton, sir?
Park worker: Excuse me.
Oliver: Well, actually no, Lieutenant. I’d forgotten my umbrella at the Sigma Club, and I stopped by to fetch it. Well, now, I suppose you’re wondering why I should bother on such a lovely day.
Columbo: That’s what I was asking, the umbrella, yes sir.
Oliver: You know, sir, an umbrella must be available at the first collision of seasonal clouds, the debut of a California drizzle, now then we must consider where shall I be when the first rain strikes. Shall I be at home, at the office, in my car, shall I be at the club, at lunch, now we’re dealing with probabilities.
Columbo: Right sir, probabilities. Options, you might say.
Oliver: Options, indeed. Now in the final analysis, I spend just thirteen hours a day at my residence. However, there are other factors to be considered in this equation. Time at the office, time at the club, time on route and dear me, we have not even mentioned weekends. Time on the golf course. On top of that, I may be called upon at any hour of the day or night to confer with a client. Where then should one keep an umbrella ready for instant use? Upon consideration of these an dother variables, I have come to the conclusion sir that the one, the only proper place to lodge an umbrella giving one the best play in the game of avoiding being rained upon, that place is precisiely at home. Good day, Lieutenant.
Back at Brandt Hastings
George: Mr. Brandt.
Oliver: Yes, what is it George?
George: These private accounts you were interested in, sir. I thought what with this being tax season, you might prefer to work on them at home. At your convenince.
Oliver: Yes, how very thoughtful of you, George. Why don’t you drop them by this evening, on your way home.
George: I’d be happy to.
At the Sigma Club.
Caroline: I have a theory, Lieutenant. I know how the murderer did it. There never was any burglar. Somebody planned to kill Mr. Hastings.
Columbo: Planned? You really think so?
Caroline: I think he was killed before we heard the shots. Because we never heard the real shots. The shots we heard were on that record.
Columbo: On the record? Shots on the record. I don’t know, it’s a very good idea, but I jus tplayed that record four separate times, and I don’t suppose I could have missed those shots. Oh, I could play it again and see.
Caroline: Oh, that’s okay Lieutenant. I didn’t realize you had played the record at all.
Columbo: Well, you keep thinking, Caroline. I can use all the help I can get. And anyone who can come up with an idea as good as the one that you just had, can also come up with the answer. And I’m going to tell you something else. You not only have a terrific mind, youy’re also a remarkably pretty girl.
Caroline: You know something, Lieutenant? That’s the very first time anybody ever told me they liked me for my body instead of my mind.
Danzinger: Oh excuse me, I’m sorry.
Columbo: What a funny thing, you know, you’re just the person I was looking for. Do you mind stepping inside?
Danzinger: I wa slooking for you, Lieutenant.
Columbo: What a coincidence. Ah, let me ask you something, sir. That big dictionary on the floor. Does tha tlook peculiar to you?
Danzinger: Well, it should be on the stand.
Columbo: That’s what I thought. And another thing. The medical examiner says that both bullets entered the body at exactly the same angle. Now if the killer fired, then the body fell, then he fired again, like you all heard.
Danzinger: The bullets would have entered at different angles.
Columbo: Yes, I would say so, sir.
Danzinger: That goes right along with my suicide theory.
Columbo: Suicide? You mean, he shot himself in the chest, then fell to the floor, then did it again? Ah one thing, sir, how did he get rid of the gun?
Danzinger: Part of his plan, he had to.
Columbo: Had to?
Danzinger: Get rid of the gun. I sold Bertie his life insurance. There’s a suicide clause in the policy. Oh, if I can ever be of any help…
Columbo: A suicide clause, I can guess what that is, if he kills himself, the company doesn’t pay.
Danzinger: So he had to hide the gun. Now, I think he had it on some sort of elastic tether.
Columbo: Elastic? That’s very interesting.
Danzinger: Oh, oh, he fired the first shot, the rigging probably triggered the second shot.
Columbo: And the gun just snapped away? Ah, where to, sir?
Danzinger: Two possibilities. Out the window.
Columbo: Screen on the window. I don’t know how the gun…
Danzinger: Then, if you’ll take the trouble to glance up the chimney, I’m sure you’ll find the gun.
Columbo: You’re not gonna believe this, sir, but I, you see, I…
Danzinger: You already checked up there?
Columbo: Don’t get me wrong, sir, I never thought of the gun being on the elastic. I mean I just, I just happened to look up there, I mean it was just because the , oh the lab boys you know they were vaccuming the rug and they say there was powder carbon around.
Danzinger: Well, anytime Lieutenant.
At Oliver Brandt’s house. The music you’d be hearing is the same music Bertie died to.
Vivian: Oh. Oh, you poor man. Why didn’t you park in the driveway?
Columbo: Well, I have an oil leak in my car, ma’am, and wouldn’t you know it, just tonight my wife decided to try out a new spot remover for my raincoat.
Vivian: Why don’t you put your umbrella over there? Do sit down, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh, would you look at that? That’s the same Victola that they have down at the Sigma club.
Vivian: Yes, Oliver donated it. One of his clients makes them.
Columbo: You know, the one at the club works very funny, every time you push the play button, the needle drops down right in the middle. And always in the same spot.
Vivian: Oh, I think I can explain that. It has a computer—a memory. So, say you wanted to play say a Sinatra record.
Columbo: How about this one?
Vivian: Really, Inspector?
Columbo: Well, why not?
Vivian? Well…Say you wanted to hear the second and the fifth track of a record. You can set this so that it skips all the others.
Columbo: Just by pushing those buttons?
Vivian: You can even set it so that it plays the same track over and over again. And it also switches itself off.
Columbo: Isn’t that something?
Oliver: A glass of wine, Lieutenant?
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much, sir. So, here I am playing with this beautiful machine, and what a coincidence. What I was going to ask you, sir, was, the murderer wouldn’t have put the record on up at the library, and you didn’t do it, so that means Mr. Hastings did it. Now did your friend have any particular liking for Tchocovsky?
Oliver: Bertie had a tin ear. He understood nothing and liked everything. Tchocovsky included.
Columbo: That’s exactly what your secretary Alvin said.
Oliver: I see, well, I suppose Alvin would know, he was with Bertie for almost a year. Please?
Columbo: Oh, it’s getting very late, sir. Mrs. Brandt.
Vivian: But you haven’t touched your wine.
Columbo: Oh, some other time, ma’am, thank you very much.
Vivian: I’ll see you out.
Columbo: One more question, sir. About those sacks of gold. If I put them all on the scale, and then take them off one by one…
Oliver: No. You use your penny. You get a card. You have one reading on the weight.
Columbo: Right. Got it. I’m gonna work on that tonight with Mrs. Columbo.
Vivian: Good night, Lieutenant.
Columbo enters a nighclub.
Suzie: Hi. I’m Suzie.
George: Hi, Suzie.
Suzie: Oh, I’ve tried Ethylen Primal Scream, Pyramid Power, Synanon, a Black man from San Francisco, open marriage, xx ‘I’m okay, you’re okay’, and I’m still a target.
Columbo: Lieutenant Columbo, sir, we’ve met. Nice to see you here. It’s really very crowded here ma’am. I’m certainly sorry.
Suzie: I enjoyed it, I’m Suzie, he’s George.
George: How did you find me-- Alvin?
Columbo: Uh, I don’t like to talk behind people’s backs, sir, but I don’t think Alvin likes you very much.
Suzie: Do you come here often, Lieutenant?
Columbo: Oh, no ma’am, my first time.
George: Listen, what else did he tell you, Lieutenant?
Columbo: I can tell, sir, that you’re the kind of man that has a lot of terrific plans for himself. Well, I think you ought to think about something.
Suzie: Let me buy you a drink, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much ma’am but I’m working. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t working. You see, sir, here I am telling you something, sir, any accountant who is aware of a felony, he becomes an accessory to that felony unless he reports it to the proper authorities.
Suzie: I like the way you wear your hair.
Columbo: What I’m saying is, oh thank you very much ma’am, I like the way you wear yours. What I’m trying to say George, is, I really don’t think you’re going to be able to make it to the top with a police record. I don’t think so.
Suzie: Goodbye, Lieutenant. (to George) You have some very interesting friends.
George: I wish I were dead.
Columbo enters a restaurant. The waitress, by the way, is Jamie Lee Curtis.
George: Lieutenant.
Waitress: You buy that here?
Columbo: Uh, no, I bought it from the donut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator. But then I saw my friend here, and um; I’m terribly sorry. Well, let me see, uh, um, let’s see, um…
Waitress: I can come back..
Columbo: No, no no, I’ll have, I’ll have a donut.
George: I thought about what you said, Lieutenant,
Columbo: Sir, if it’ll be of any help to you, I know that Mr. Brandt lost lots of money on some stock options.
George: Alvin again!
Columbo: So Mr. Brandt needed money.
George: Have you met Mrs. Brandt?
Columbo: Yes.
George: Okay, I went back to the office one night, he was Mr. Hasting’s secretary at the time. Well, there he was, replacing some files, in Brandt’s office. Comfidential accounts that Brandt handled personally.
Columbo: Now this was when you were still Mr. Brandt’s secretary, right?
George: That’s right.
Columbo: Why would Alvin fiddle around with your bosses’ accounts?
George: Because Hastings told him to bring him the files. He must have suspected that his partner was engaged in some creative bookkeeping.
Waitress: That be all?
Columbo: Yes, very nice, thank you. Creative bookkeeping.
George: You see, most of our work is corporate. But Brandt likes to handle some of the individual accounts himself. Old clients. Mostly widows.
Columbo: Are these widows, sir, wealthy?
George: Loaded. I checked the files and ran some computer printouts.
Columbo: What’s the bottom line, sir?
George: Brandt has been sifting funds from his client’s accounts. A very nifty job.
Columbo: So you told your boss that Mr. Hastings knew what he was doing? Congratulations on your promotion, sir.
George: I’m always glad to cooperate, Lieutenant. Oh, good morning sir, I was just explaining to the Lieutenant that –
Oliver: Sit down, George, finish your grapefruit. I think I can guess what you were explaining. More tips for your nephew, right Lieutenant?
Columbo: Ah, right sir, George was telling me exactly how a young accountant gets ahead. Take my seat, sir, please.
George: Sir. He wasn’t talking about his nephew, sir. It’s Alvin again!
At Oliver Brandt’s office.
Xxx: Good morning Mr. Brandt, I’ve
Columbo: Good morning again, sir, I thought you’d rather talk up here.
Oliver: You’re at my desk.
Columbo: Oh, sorry, sir.
Oliver: You realize this is our busiest time of the year.
Columbo: Ah, yes, sir I understand, sir, and I wouldn’t bother you but ah, I’m afraid that Mr. Hastings might have been involved in some nasty things around here, sir. I know this is hard to believe, sir, but I happen to know that he had his secretary take some account files from your office.
Oliver: Alvin? Are you suggesting a conspiracy between Bertie and Alvin?
Columbo: I hate to say this, sir, but Mr. Hastings might have been doctoring those accounts.
Oliver: This comes as a terrible shock to me, Lieutenant. You have to excuse me.
Columbo: Oh, yes, sir, I understand sir, you certainly need time to think.
Alvin: Mr. Brandt!
Oliver: What is it?
Alvin: I owe it to myself to express my dissatisfaction. I was clearly in line for the position that you gave George.
Oliver: You dare to tell me your position in this firm? Damn you, niggling little twit. You self-serving ambitious lout.
Alvin: Maybe Mr. Hastings took this abuse from you, but I certainly will not.
Oliver: And you will take it too, Alvin, twentyfold. You’ll be a secretary here untill you’re old and grey. And if you try to work anywhere else, I’ll pull so many strings that you’ll strangle in them.
Alvin: But that’s not—
Oliver: Now go back to your desk. Suddenly, Alvin, you’re a great choking stench in my life. Get out!
At Oliver Brandt’s house.
Vivian: What was that!
Oliver: What?
Vivian: Well, the whole house shook..
Oliver: The world is crumbling, what do you expect?
Vivian: What is wrong with you?
Oliver: I have been betrayed. Pursued and threatened by inuendo. The least I could hope for is some understanding from my wife.
Vivian: It’s the new negliee I bought. Is that it?
Oliver: It is everything you have bought. We are in trouble.
Vivian: Of course. It’s my fault.
Oliver: Well, you are the mother of my predicament.
Vivian: And now, little Oliver wants to be mothered. Is that it?
Oliver: I want what is due me! Some affection. Understanding. Gratitude. Support. In the worst of times.
Vivian: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Oliver: I have embezzled funds! And I did it for you.
Vivian: Oliver, I’ve never understood about business. I belong to another part of your life.
Oliver: Do you understand what I am telling you?
Vivian: No. And I don’t think I want to.
The phone rings.
Oliver: (into phone)Oliver Brandt.
Sergeant: Mr. Brandt, this is Sergeant Cline. Lieutenant Columbo and Sergeant Burke would appreciate it if you would come by the Sigma Club right away.
At the Sigma Club, Oliver Brandt is climbing the stairs when he hears the music playing and gunshot sounds. He runs up the stairs to find Columbo there.
Oliver: There you are.
Columbo: Is that you, Mr. Brandt?
Oliver: It is, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Come on up, Mr. Brandt.
Sergeant Burke: Need anything else, sir?
Columbo: No, that’s fine. Goodnight, Sergeant.
Sergeant Burke: Good night, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh just in time, sir, perfect, I want you to see this. Now, I want you to see what happens, sir, when the record finishes. It was really very thoughtful of you, sir, to give this Victrola to the Club.
Oliver: I’m sure, I’m sure it would give them pleasure.
Columbo: I hope those explosions didn’t frighten you, sir, just experimenting. Soon. Ah, finished. Now watch, it glides across the record and it goes to this point righ there. Then it goes back again. Past this point here, right here, then it goes all the way back again and rests on this whatchamacallit. Now, I want you to notice this, sir. Here, on this whatchamacallit. Right here. Funny little scratches. Here, and here. You see those, sir?
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: A tiny clamp with teeth. Sergeant Burke thinks baby alligator clamps. Now a funny thing. You remember Miss Eisenback got a long-distance call?
Oliver: Yes, from her father.
Columbo: In Memphis. The call came in just after you left Mr. Hastings and came downstairs.
Oliver: Lieutenant Columbo—
Columbo: And then the call was interrupted and she had to hang up when she heard the shots.
Oliver: If you say so.
Columbo: Ah, here it is. I got this from the South Central Bell telephone company in Memphis. Here’s the call from her father. The date, how long they talked.
Oliver: All right. They talked four minutes.
Columbo: Which is almost exactly the same length of time the record player is set for. Watch. I’m gonna push the ‘play’ button. Notice that the arm doesn’t start at the beginning. It starts in the middle. And if you let that play, sir, you will take four minutes. And it does it every time.
Oliver: Lieutenant, is this what you called me out for?
Columbo: No, sir, not quite. To tell you the truth, sir, I have another reason. Mr. Brandt. I know exactly what you did and how you did it. The gold sack puzzle, sir. Mrs. Columbo figured it out. You said that there were these sacks of gold in a room, and that one of the sacks was filled with phony gold. And that the phony gold weighed more than the real gold. And that I had a penny scale but only one penny. And therefore only one chance to weigh anything. And I had to figure which of the sacks had the phony gold. Am I right so far, sir?
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: Oh well, let’s just say there were three sacks, because I have three sacks here. And we’ll just make believe that this chocolate is the gold. And each real gold piece weighed at least one pound. But one of these sacks has the phony gold. And the phony gold weighs one pound and one ounce. Am I right up to here, sir?
Oliver: Satisfactory so far.
Columbo: Follow me, sir. We’re going to the scale.
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: And here’s the scale. Now. One bag, two bags, three bags. Now we take one piece from Bag One. We take two pieces from Bag Two. We take three pieces from Bag Three. How many pieces is that, sir?
Oliver: Six.
Columbo: Six. So far, so good. We take all six pieces. We put them on the scale. Now, if that were a regular scale, and if all six pieces were the real gold, it would weigh six pounds. But if the first bag had the phony pieces, it would weigh six pounds and one ounce. Because I only took one piece from the first bag. And if the second bag had the phony gold pieces, it would weigh six pounds and two ounces. Because I took two pieces from the second bag.
Oliver: Bravo, Lieutenant.
Columbo: And if the third bag were the phony bag, it would weigh six pounds and three ounces, and so on, and so on and so on. It’s a, it’s a terrific puzzle. It must be fun playing with these trains, it’d be terrific if we just had the time, right sir?
Oliver: Yes. It would be nice.
Columbo: You know, sir it’s a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. I don’t just mean smart like you, and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away it wasn’t going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. I figured if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open, maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.
Oliver: I can tell you do. There’s one thing I learned, Lieutenant, is that we all have a cross to bear. Including those of us who seem most fortunate. My problem is just the opposite. Born smart., as they say. A blessing, you’d think. I had no real childhood, I was an imitation adult, because that’s what was expected of me. Most people don’t like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So early on I had to hide my so-called gift and conceal it from my own brothers and sisters, my classmates, in the service. Painful. Lonely years.
Columbo: You know sir, I never thought of that.
Oliver: I wonder, if all those early bitter memories have something to do with my recent discovery that I simply no longer care even for my fellow intelligencia in this club. I find them eccentric bores.
Columbo: Mr. Brandt, now I’ve got a puzzle for you. Man ‘A’ wants to kill man ‘B’.
Oliver; What am I told?
Columbo: It’s kind of a minimum information problem, sir. The men are in a room, sir. Say this room. Lots of people downstairs. And man ‘A’, the killer, he plans to use a gun.
Oliver: Then the shot would be heard.
Columbo: Not with a silencer, sir.
Oliver: He’d also have to get rid of the gun. He would have to hide the gun. So the killer brings an umbrella with him. May I see your umbrella, sir?
Oliver: An umbrella to conceal a gun? Audacious and foolhardy I would say. But, you may test your theory if you wish.
Columbo: Oh, I don’t have a gun, sir. Never carry one. The killer has a gun.
Oliver: With a silencer. So you said.
Columbo: You see, sir, the killer plans to put the gun in the umbrella, and then hide the umbrella in the fireplace and take it away some other time.
Oliver: Ah, but then there would be soot on the umbrella.
Columbo: You are absolutely right, sir, there would be soot. Now there is a second use for the umbrella. You see these, sir. They’re like loud firecrackers, sir, we call them squibbs. Now the killer plans to fake some shots because the victim is already dead.
Oliver: I suggest that the squibbs would lead bits of paper when they explode. Telltale evidence.
Columbo: That’s why, sir, the killer plans to catch the shreds here.
Oliver: Most ingenious, Lieutenant. But wouldn’t the squibbs lead burn, scorch marks. This umbrella for instance is quite unmarked.
Columbo: You are absolutely right sir, but suppose this was the killers other umbrella. Oh, I forgot to tell you, sir. Last night when I was at your house, I took the wrong umbrella. Excuse me, sir. Just one moment. I took yours. It was an honest mistake, sir, and we’re not allowed to get evidence that way. But as long as I had it, the lab found burns from the squibbs. And lots of soot, sir.
Oliver: I see. Now, tell me this, Lieutenant. How were the squibbs detonated?
Columbo: Oh, the killer is a very intelligent man, sir. Watch. I put the squibbs in the umbrella, and the gun. We’ll pretend that this is the gun. Now the killer, wedges the umbrella up the chimney.
Oliver: You can’t be serious?
Columbo: Oh I am, sir, I am. Absolutely serious. Now we’ll just pretend that this umbrella is up the chimney. Now these wires, sir, they’re attached to a battery. And the same kind of squibs. Now, we’ll just put these in the umbrella. And we’ll run this wire, sir. Right over here to the Victrola. We push the ‘play’ button. And we attach the wires here, and here. Where I showed you those scratches, sir.
Oliver: Preposterous nonsense.
Columbo: Now the killer knows when the record will end.
Oliver: Yes, you demonstrated all that.
Columbo: And when the arm comes over, it will make contact. First here, exploding one squibb and then here, exploding the second.
Oliver: But the body fell between the two shots.
Columbo: Yes, sir, that’s where the killer takes a very big chance. The dictionary has a line here dividing it in half so that it can be balanced on the edge. You see, sir? Like this.
Oliver: Clever, but too unpredictable.
Columbo: Very important for the ilusion, sir.
Oliver: The sound of the body falling.
Oliver: But impossible to time.
Columbo: This killer is very intelligent, sir.
Oliver: Can he make the book fall between the two shots?
Columbo: Oh yes, sir.
Oliver: How? Triggered by what?
Columbo: I’ll show you.
Oliver: He would have to be a genius.
Columbo: I think so too, sir. Now I don’t mean to imply that I thought of this all by myself, I mena some of the smartest people in the world are righ there in this club and they helped me sir, they helped me a lot.
Oliver: Dunces the lot of them.
Columbo: Mr. Danzinger, the president of the club, you’re calling him a dunce?
Oliver: Oh ho, wouldn’t I.
Columbo: Well it was his idea, the book, the vibration—
Oliver: Vibration? What are you talking about?
Columbo: The first squibb, sir. He really made it sound very simple. When the squibb goes off it produces vibrations, and that knocks the book down. That Danzinger’s a genius.
Oliver: Vibrations. That nitwit. The man who conceived all this, you made him out to be a bungling ass. Now, this is what he would have done. This. Bang. Bang. This. Hahaha….There! Hahaha…Oh my. Oh my.
The phone rings, it is Vivian.
Columbo: (Into phone) Lieutenant Columbo. Oh yes, Mrs. Brandt, he’s right here. To Oliver: For you, sir.
Oliver: (Into phone) Yes?
Vivian: I’m so sorry, darling. Please come home. Come to bed. I need you.
Oliver: (into phone)Alas, my dear, I shall not be needing you. Anymore. (To Columbo) Was it the record player?
Columbo: Yes, sir. First it was the record player. Why would naybody start it in the middle?
Oliver: I should have changed the cuing. Extraordinary. That bothered you? Will you be taking me in?
Columbo: No, sir, someone will be along.
Oliver: Lieutenant, what did you say your IQ was?
Columbo: I really don’t know, sir.
Oliver; Must be very high. My own is..ah, we have a test here. Oh yeah.
Columbo: I’m really not very good at that sort of thing, sir.
Oliver: You’d be surprised. At yourself. Xxx We can go directly to the more difficult questions. Ah yes, here we are. Lieutenant, I’m going to give you four words. And you tell me which one does not belong. Asphalt. Uncle. Delight. Leave.
Columbo: Which word doesn’t belong? Asphalt. Uncle. Delight. Leave. Well, let me see. We got Uncle Sam, Dutch Uncle. Asphalt’s the word, sir. Because you can have Turkish Delight, French Leave, and Dutch Uncle all nationalities.
Oliver: Lieutenant, have you ever considered a different line of work?
Columbo: Me, sir? Nooo, never! I couldn’t do that.
Boo Hoo you’ve got me crying for you.
And as I sit here and sigh, says I
I can’t believe it’s true.
Boo Hoo, I’ll tell my mama on you.
The little game that you played
Has made her baby oh so blue.
You left me in the lurch.
You left me waiting at the church.
Boo hoo That’s why I’m crying for you
Ssomeday you’ll feel like I do
And you’ll be boo-hoo-hooin’ too.
Boo Hoo you’ve got me crying for you.
And as I sit here and sigh, says I
I can’t believe it’s true.
Lead [-]
(10/13/10 06:00:32)
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Bye Bye Sky High IQ Murder Case'
The Sigma Club is meeting, members and partners Bertie Hastings and Oliver Brandt are playfully arguing. They both go upstairs and argue some more. Bertie accusses Oliver of embezzlement, and Oliver threatens to shoot Bertie and then actually shoots Bertie. He sets up the record player to drop the dictionary, that will cause the ‘shot’ to ring out, while Oliver is downstairs. The gun he puts inside an umbrella which he shoves up the chimney, using a sleeve that he takes off and puts into his pocket. Through some of this, the song ‘Boo Hoo’ is playing. Through some more of this, Tchiachovsky I splaying.
Xxx: That wasn’t xxx So there I was, in the Sigma Society. An IQ right at the top of the scale. And then my first thought was, ‘What a crummy world. Somebody as smart as me is nothing but an ordinary welder’. And then I got my head straight. And I figured it out that it was a pretty sensational world, where even a welder’s got a high enough IQ to be in the Sigma Society.
Laughter and applause.
Xxx: Not there’s anything wrong with being a welder. Cause I want to tell you right now that there’s nobody that can even begin to do what I can do.
More applause.
Xxx: becaue the one thing you can’t figure out, the one problem you can’t solve, is what you’re all doing here. I mean what we’re all doing here.
More applause.
Xxx: Thank you Mike, thank you. Mike with all due respect, lecture on feelings of inadequacy, I thought we were going to hear from a computer engineer on intelligent machines. May I ask the chairman if he still intends to bring in an outside guest.
Bertie:I don’t know if I’ll have enough time, but I’ll try.
Xxx: Good. Thank you Bertie.
Xxx: For you businessmen and ladies, I have the neighborhood report on crime. They strongly recommend the purchase of a burglar alarm. Miss Eisenbach has prepared a study of the various units available, the advantages,
Xxx: Mr. Brandt,
Oliver: Good heavens, I am late.
Xxx: Oliver, we were just discussing a burglar alarm.
Oliver: Dear me, I didn’t know we had anything worth stealing. Unless of course it’s Bertie’s incredible brain power. I understand the Russians have been after him again.
Lots of laughter.
Xxx: Okay gang, that’s it meeting adjourned.
Oliver: That. My dear, is the total history of Bertie’s life.
Bertie: Does the joke always have to be at my expense?
Xxx: Are you two at it again?
Oliver: Again and forever. Friends forever. Partners forever. Right, Bertie? Bertie!
Bertie: Friends.
Oliver: There’s a good little fella. Something wrong?
Miss Eisenbach:: I think I just drank my contact lense. It’s there! I found it, I’m sorry. Always sorry. What are you up to, Caroline?
Caroline: Making an inventory of everything in the house. For the insurance.
Oliver: Don’t you have to go around and look at things?
Caroline: Don’t have to look. Remember.
Oliver: Imagine. While this wine was still in a French cellar, you Caroline were being put together by a confluence of data processers and memory banks.
Bertie: Oliver, I have to talk to you.
Oliver: I want to talk to you, Bertie. Pick a page.
Bertie: 237. Pick a number.
Oliver: 12. Even.
Bertie: Odd.
Oliver: Come along, Bertie. To the library. The drinks are on Bertie. Or on me.
Xxx: A dollar says Brandt wins again.
Caroline: It’s only luck, you know.
Inside the library
Oliver: page 237, correct?
Bertie: Yes.
Oiliver: And word?
Bertie: Twelve.
Oliver: All right. Here we are. Corina. Or Cor I na. Very clever, it’s even. Drinks on you, Bertie. Interesting. Corina. We seem to have forgotten our biology. Corina is a part resembling a ridge as in the projection on the breastbone of a bird. And that is the word for today.
Bertie: I didn’t come up here to play games, Oliver.
Oliver: Nor did I, Bertie.
Bertie: You’ve always enjoyed tormenting me.
Oliver: Now, don’t be a fool.
Bertie: School, college, even our own firm. I’ve always been the butt of your jokes.
Oliver: I’ve always been your friend, Bertie surely you know that. Oh come on, Bertie I never taunted you. I only tickled you.
Oliver proceeeds to tickle Bertie they both laugh and Bertie begs him to stop.
Bertie: No. I’m through running. I know. I know. I know what you’ve been doing at the office, Oliver. I know how you’ve been stealing from our clients. I took the trouble to examine your accounts.
Oliver: I know you have. I’m well aware of it.
Bertie: Oh? Are you aware that I intend to expose you?
Oliver: Oh in that case I intend to kill you.
Bertie: We were friends. I could never hurt you.
Oliver: I couldn’t hurt you either.
Bertie: Stop. You can’t shut me up. I’ll tell the whole world.
Oliver: Bertie!
Bertie: How rotten you are.
Oliver: What a pity.
Bertie: Oliver! Oliver! I’m talking to you!
Oliver: Yes, I hear you. I hear you old friend.
Pop. Pop.
Oliver: I really did love you, Bertie.
Downstairs, the phone rings and Oliver is talking.
Xxx: Yes, hello.
Oliver: Tonight, children the drinks are on Bertie.
Xx: Congratulations, Oliver.
XxxCongratulations.
Caroline: What was the word, Mr. Brandt.
Oliver: Carina. C a r
Caroline: With a capital C, Carina is a constellation in the southern hemisphere.
Oliver: This was not capitalized.
Caroline: Oh, well then it’s like the breastbone on a bird.
Xxx: The phone’s for you, Miss Eisenbeck. Memphis.
Miss Eisenbeck: It’s my daddy. I’ve been trying to reach him. It’s his birthday.
Xxx ..waiting for his call.
Xxx: lucky again.
Miss Eisenbeck (into the phone) Daddy!
Xxx: Why don’t we go out and put the living room back in order. Come on, come on, gentlemen.
Oliver: The club’s still insured through you, isn’t it?
Xxx: Yes, and very well. Fire, theft, the works.
xxx…spending all this money on a burglar
Bang. Bang.
Xxx: Those were gunshots.
Oliver: Bertie! Bertie! Bertie! Oh my God, Bertie! Bertie!
Xxx: Take Caroline downstairs.
Xxx: I think he’s dead.
Xxx: You mustn’t look.
Xxx: You’d better leave. Come on.
Oliver: Oh my. Oh my.
Lieutenant Columbo enters the house, inspects the crime scene, then goes downstairs to talk to the group members. Then goes outside and gets into his car.
Columbo: Lieutenant Columbo, Homicide. I thought you’d like to be up here, away from all those people down there. Being that the victim was your friend and partner.
Oliver: I’m really quite upset. I do appreciate the courtesy.
Columbo: This Sigma Society, sir I understand it’s some kind of club, to tell you the truth, I don’t understand what kind of club it is.
Oliver: Well, it’s a private club, international we’re just one chapter. All the members are tested. And they have to rate in the top two percent.
Columbo: Two percent of what, sir?
Oliver: Why, intelligence, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Top two percent in the world? Is that what that pin means?
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: Here I’ve been talking with the most intelligent people in the world and I never even noticed. May I ask, sir, what is it you people do in a place like this?
Oliver: Meet, discuss, enjoy each other’s company.
Columbo: Scientists?
Oliver: Not necessarily.
Columbo: Like a think tank?
Oliver: No, no, nothing nearly as grand, Lieutenant. People come to Sigma from all walks of life, all kinds all types. There are twenty thousand of us around the world, we’re really quite ordinary.
Columbo: Except for this.
Oliver: Well..
Columbo: You’re not ordinary. Brandt Hastings, that’s a very important accounting firm, sir. I’ve heard of them.
Oliver: Very kind of you, Lieutenant, but it’s quite true. We handle—we—oh dear.
Columbo: Just a few minor questions, sir,. Some of the ladies say that they heard music coming from up here.
Oliver: Bertie must have put on a record after I left. You see, we were playing a word game. Looking things up in the dictionary.
Columbo: On the floor, sir?
Oliver: He must have put it on the floor.
Columbo: You mean to tell me, Mr. Brandt, that these very intelligent people still like to play with trains?
Oliver: Some of us do. Poor Bertie did.
Columbo: Well, I’ll tell you, that’s a relief to hear. Because I’ll tell you the truth, I could play with something like that forever. Caroline Trainer. That’s the one.
Oliver; I beg your..? Oh, our youngest member.
Columbo: She’s a member, too? Fourteen? Amazing. Okay, now Caroline she was standing in that door over there, and she says she didn’t hear any footsteps going down those stairs. Now, everybody else heard the burglar. That is, the man that killed Mr. Hastings. May I ask you, sir, what did you hear?
Oliver: I don’t remember.
Columbo running the back stairs.
Columbo: Okay!
Xxx: Thirty seconds.
Columbo: Exactly what I got when I timed it.
Xxx: We didn’t start up there the second we heard the shot.
Xxxx: That’s right, we were stunned right?
Xxx: Eight, maybe ten seconds.
Columbo: Good, that means forty seconds passed between the time when you heard the shots and the time you arrived in the library. Is that right, excuse me Mr. Uh
Jason: Jason Danzinger. I’m the president.
Columbo: Mr. Danzinger. Then when you arrived in the library, you saw the other door slam shut? Now, when you heard someone running away, did he go down the stairs one step at a time, two at a time; how?
Danzinger: One at a time.
Columbo: You don’t agree?
Xxx: No. No. It was at least two at a time, he was really flying.
Columbo: Heavy man, sir?
Xxx: I’d say so.
Xxx Do you agree, sir?
Xxx: Not necessarily. Average man.
Xxx: He sounded light to me. I think it was a woman.
Columbo: Well, that clears that up…
Oliver: I must say, after this dreadful affair it would be comforting to have a policeman as a member. Uh, Lieutenant, do you happen to know your IQ?
Columbo: Mine, sir? Oh, no sir, they took it in the Army but they never told us. I’m certainly not in your league, sir,
Oliver: Oh, you might astonish yourself. Do you enjoy riddles,puzzles, that sort of thing?
Columbo: Well, I enjoy them, yes sir, but I don’t have a feel for them. Now Mrs. Columbo, she’s a whiz at crossword puzzles. Here’s my car, sir.
Oliver: You might consider testing yourself. Lieutenant, I’m going to give you a little problem to test your powers of logical thinking.
Columbo: Oh, that’d be fine, sir.
Oliver: It’s what we call a minimum information problem.
Columbo: Minimum information?
Oh, practically none. Now in a room, are several sacks of gold pieces. As many sacks as you like. Each sack contains several of these gold pieces, again as many as you like.
Columbo: Right, got it.
Oliver: Now one sack, however, is full of artificial gold pieces. And they weigh differently.
Columbo: Ah hah.
Oliver: Now, the solid gold pieces weigh, oh let’s say a pound each. And the artificial pieces weight whatever you like.
Columbo: Well, what about a pound and an ounce?
Oliver: Splendid, why not? Now, you have a penny scale.
Columbo: And I put a penny in and I get a card that tells me how much the weight of the gold is.
Oliver: Exactly. But, you only have one penny. Now, which sack has the artificial gold pieces?
Columbo: That’s it?
Oliver: That’s it.
Columbo: That’s a hell of a puzzle. Gee Whiz. You know, I got a puzzle myself, sir. As I understand it, you people you were all downstairs when you heard the shots, and you ran up stairs to the library and that took about forty seconds. But during that time all the killer had to do was take the wallet out of your partner’s pocket, and remove the money. Ten seconds. What did he do with the rest of the time? I mean, thirty seconds, sir. That’s a long time to hang around after you’ve just killed a man.
Oliver: Yes, a logical question. Very good, I agree with you.
Columbo: I’m gonna think about that puzzle, Mr. Brandt.You can count on that. Good night, sir.
Oliver: Good night.
Oliver goes outside and buries something under a flower. Then he goes home and talks with his wife Vivian.
Vivian: Oliver, is that you?
Oliver: Yes, love.
Vivian: How do you like it? I bought it for you.
Oliver: Quite lovely.
Vivian: Oh. You’re moody again. Xxxx. What’s that?
Oliver: What? What is it?
Vivian: That’s some mud? What have you been up to? There. Oliver, are you all right?
Oliver: No, Vivian, it’s Bertie. He’s dead.
Vivian: What!
Oliver: At the club. He was in the library, he was alone. A burglar got in.
Vivian: Oh, Oliver.
Oliver: Shot him twice. The police came.
Vivian: Oh, you must be feeling awful.
Oliver: I was always the lucky one. He had no one.
Vivian: He had us.
Oliver: I have you. Poor Bertie.
Vivian: We must put Bertie out of our minds. We’ll take a trip. We’ll buy some clothes.
Oliver: I’m sure you will.
Vivian: You’ve been behaving very strangely lately.
Oliver: My best friend is dead, Vivian.
Vivian: Darling, we’re alive. Let’s enjoy life. While we can. I don’t want to spend it watching you grieving dismal sweet intelligent face.
Oliver: Quite right. Please forgive me.
Columbo at Brandt hastings.
Columbo: I wonder if you might be kind enough to tell me where I might find Mr. Brandt’s office.
Secretary: Through the double doors. Mr. Brandt’s secretary will help you.
Columbo: Thank you very much, ma’am.
Columbo: Excuse me, I’m looking for Mr. Brandt’s secretary.
George: He’ll be right back. I’m George Cantenella, may I help you?
Columbo: No, no, no sir, just waiting for Mr. Brandt.
George: He’s not my responsibility, not anymore. He’ll be right back, just have a seat.
Alvin: Yes, can I help you?
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much sir, just waiting for Mr. Brandt’s secretary.
Alvin: As of today, I am Mr. Brandt’s secretary.
Columbo: You are? I just met Mr. Campenella.
Alvin: Oh, I am sure you did. My predecessor considers himself quite a big deal.
Columbo: Is that a fact. I’m Lieutenant Columbo, sir, police and you are…?
Alvin: Alvin. Alvin Metzler. Until last night I worked for Mr. Hastings. A fine man. I hope he rests in peace. This is about Mr. Hastings?
Columbo: Yes, sir. Bertie Hastings, the deceased. I’m looking for Mr. Brandt.
Alvin: Mr. Brandt took an early lunch. Sometimes he walks in the park across the street. South side of the building.
Columbo: South side of the building, thank you very much.
Columbo: What is that, women’s lib in there? They don’t let ladies do that kind of work anymore?
Secretary: It’s still legal. The partners prefer male secretaries. Graduate accountants. That way they learn the business and they move up.
Columbo: Now why didn’t I think of that? Then they get secretaries, right?
Secretary: Girl-type secretaries.
Columbo: This fellow George, the one that I just met in there, he used to work for Mr. Brandt, I guess he just got promoted.
Secretary: Right. A full-fledged accountant. I hope Alvin was polite to you in there because he’s very upset.
Columbo: Oh, so Alvin thinks he should have gotten promoted? Who can figure bosses?
Oliver is in the murder room and retrieves the unbrella from the fireplace, and the gun from inside there. He stuffs the gun into his belt.
Oliver is walking in the park, and starts to put the gun into the trash when Columbo comes up to him. Then when Columbo runs off to get ice cream, Oliver places the gun into the trash, and a worker comes and takes the trash can away.
Columbo: You know, sir that new secretary of yours, that’s a man you can really depend upong, that Alvin.
Oliver: Alvin?
Columbo: Yes, Alvin. He tells me how much you like to come to the park after lunch, and here you are just like he said. Mind if I walk along, sir?
Oliver: No, no, I’d be delighted.
Columbo: I also met your other secretary, the one that’s the accountant now.
Oliver: Yes, George.
Columbo: George. Would you do me a big personal favor, sir?
Oliver: My pleasure.
Columbo: You see, I have this nephew he’s studying to be an accountant. Isn’t that terrific? I mean the young people today, you know, all they want to be is movie stars and football players, now this boy, he wants to be an accountant. And I said to myself who could give me better advice to pass along to my nephew than Mr. Brandt? I mean you know firsthand how this fellow George worked himself up.
Oliver: Well, that’s because our firm has a policy of rewarding skill and dedication rather than seniority. As far as your nephew is concerned, I suggest he get all the education that he can, and then when he starts to work, apply himself assiduously.
Columbo: Mr. Brandt, thank you very much. That’s very good advice, and I am going to uh, where’d you get the ice cream cone, sir?
Oliver: From a vendor across the park.
Columbo: Oh, I was going to get one but that’s too far. Look at that sir, today’s my lucky day. I’ll be right back.
Columbo: Delicious, sir. Just delicious.
Oliver: Yes, I know Lieutrenant, I’m thoroughly addicted.
Columbo: Addiciton. That must explain the umbrella, sir.
Oliver: My umbrella? Well, it’s such a beautiful day, sir. I have to figure that you always carry an umbrella. Another addiciton, sir?
Park worker: Excuse me.
Oliver: Well, actually no, Lieutenant. I’d forgotten my umbrella at the Sigma Club, and I stopped by to fetch it. Well, now, I suppose you’re wondering why I should bother on such a lovely day.
Columbo: That’s what I was asking, the umbrella, yes sir.
Oliver: You know, sir, an umbrella must be available at the first collision of seasonal clouds, the debut of a California drizzle, now then we must consider where shall I be when the first rain strikes. Shall I be at home, at the office, in my car, shall I be at the club, at lunch, now we’re dealing with probabilities.
Columbo: Right sir, probabilities. Options, you might say.
Oliver: Options, indeed. Now in the final analysis, I spend just thirteen hours a day at my residence. However, there are other factors to be considered in this equation. Time at the office, time at the club, time on route and dear me, we have not even mentioned weekends. Time on the golf course. On top of that, I may be called upon at any hour of the day or night to confer with a client. Where then should one keep an umbrella ready for instant use? Upon consideration of these an dother variables, I have come to the conclusion sir that the one, the only proper place to lodge an umbrella giving one the best play in the game of avoiding being rained upon, that place is precisiely at home. Good day, Lieutenant.
Back at Brandt Hastings
George: Mr. Brandt.
Oliver: Yes, what is it George?
George: These private accounts you were interested in, sir. I thought what with this being tax season, you might prefer to work on them at home. At your convenince.
Oliver: Yes, how very thoughtful of you, George. Why don’t you drop them by this evening, on your way home.
George: I’d be happy to.
At the Sigma Club.
Caroline: I have a theory, Lieutenant. I know how the murderer did it. There never was any burglar. Somebody planned to kill Mr. Hastings.
Columbo: Planned? You really think so?
Caroline: I think he was killed before we heard the shots. Because we never heard the real shots. The shots we heard were on that record.
Columbo: On the record? Shots on the record. I don’t know, it’s a very good idea, but I jus tplayed that record four separate times, and I don’t suppose I could have missed those shots. Oh, I could play it again and see.
Caroline: Oh, that’s okay Lieutenant. I didn’t realize you had played the record at all.
Columbo: Well, you keep thinking, Caroline. I can use all the help I can get. And anyone who can come up with an idea as good as the one that you just had, can also come up with the answer. And I’m going to tell you something else. You not only have a terrific mind, youy’re also a remarkably pretty girl.
Caroline: You know something, Lieutenant? That’s the very first time anybody ever told me they liked me for my body instead of my mind.
Danzinger: Oh excuse me, I’m sorry.
Columbo: What a funny thing, you know, you’re just the person I was looking for. Do you mind stepping inside?
Danzinger: I wa slooking for you, Lieutenant.
Columbo: What a coincidence. Ah, let me ask you something, sir. That big dictionary on the floor. Does tha tlook peculiar to you?
Danzinger: Well, it should be on the stand.
Columbo: That’s what I thought. And another thing. The medical examiner says that both bullets entered the body at exactly the same angle. Now if the killer fired, then the body fell, then he fired again, like you all heard.
Danzinger: The bullets would have entered at different angles.
Columbo: Yes, I would say so, sir.
Danzinger: That goes right along with my suicide theory.
Columbo: Suicide? You mean, he shot himself in the chest, then fell to the floor, then did it again? Ah one thing, sir, how did he get rid of the gun?
Danzinger: Part of his plan, he had to.
Columbo: Had to?
Danzinger: Get rid of the gun. I sold Bertie his life insurance. There’s a suicide clause in the policy. Oh, if I can ever be of any help…
Columbo: A suicide clause, I can guess what that is, if he kills himself, the company doesn’t pay.
Danzinger: So he had to hide the gun. Now, I think he had it on some sort of elastic tether.
Columbo: Elastic? That’s very interesting.
Danzinger: Oh, oh, he fired the first shot, the rigging probably triggered the second shot.
Columbo: And the gun just snapped away? Ah, where to, sir?
Danzinger: Two possibilities. Out the window.
Columbo: Screen on the window. I don’t know how the gun…
Danzinger: Then, if you’ll take the trouble to glance up the chimney, I’m sure you’ll find the gun.
Columbo: You’re not gonna believe this, sir, but I, you see, I…
Danzinger: You already checked up there?
Columbo: Don’t get me wrong, sir, I never thought of the gun being on the elastic. I mean I just, I just happened to look up there, I mean it was just because the , oh the lab boys you know they were vaccuming the rug and they say there was powder carbon around.
Danzinger: Well, anytime Lieutenant.
At Oliver Brandt’s house. The music you’d be hearing is the same music Bertie died to.
Vivian: Oh. Oh, you poor man. Why didn’t you park in the driveway?
Columbo: Well, I have an oil leak in my car, ma’am, and wouldn’t you know it, just tonight my wife decided to try out a new spot remover for my raincoat.
Vivian: Why don’t you put your umbrella over there? Do sit down, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh, would you look at that? That’s the same Victola that they have down at the Sigma club.
Vivian: Yes, Oliver donated it. One of his clients makes them.
Columbo: You know, the one at the club works very funny, every time you push the play button, the needle drops down right in the middle. And always in the same spot.
Vivian: Oh, I think I can explain that. It has a computer—a memory. So, say you wanted to play say a Sinatra record.
Columbo: How about this one?
Vivian: Really, Inspector?
Columbo: Well, why not?
Vivian? Well…Say you wanted to hear the second and the fifth track of a record. You can set this so that it skips all the others.
Columbo: Just by pushing those buttons?
Vivian: You can even set it so that it plays the same track over and over again. And it also switches itself off.
Columbo: Isn’t that something?
Oliver: A glass of wine, Lieutenant?
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much, sir. So, here I am playing with this beautiful machine, and what a coincidence. What I was going to ask you, sir, was, the murderer wouldn’t have put the record on up at the library, and you didn’t do it, so that means Mr. Hastings did it. Now did your friend have any particular liking for Tchocovsky?
Oliver: Bertie had a tin ear. He understood nothing and liked everything. Tchocovsky included.
Columbo: That’s exactly what your secretary Alvin said.
Oliver: I see, well, I suppose Alvin would know, he was with Bertie for almost a year. Please?
Columbo: Oh, it’s getting very late, sir. Mrs. Brandt.
Vivian: But you haven’t touched your wine.
Columbo: Oh, some other time, ma’am, thank you very much.
Vivian: I’ll see you out.
Columbo: One more question, sir. About those sacks of gold. If I put them all on the scale, and then take them off one by one…
Oliver: No. You use your penny. You get a card. You have one reading on the weight.
Columbo: Right. Got it. I’m gonna work on that tonight with Mrs. Columbo.
Vivian: Good night, Lieutenant.
Columbo enters a nighclub.
Suzie: Hi. I’m Suzie.
George: Hi, Suzie.
Suzie: Oh, I’ve tried Ethylen Primal Scream, Pyramid Power, Synanon, a Black man from San Francisco, open marriage, xx ‘I’m okay, you’re okay’, and I’m still a target.
Columbo: Lieutenant Columbo, sir, we’ve met. Nice to see you here. It’s really very crowded here ma’am. I’m certainly sorry.
Suzie: I enjoyed it, I’m Suzie, he’s George.
George: How did you find me-- Alvin?
Columbo: Uh, I don’t like to talk behind people’s backs, sir, but I don’t think Alvin likes you very much.
Suzie: Do you come here often, Lieutenant?
Columbo: Oh, no ma’am, my first time.
George: Listen, what else did he tell you, Lieutenant?
Columbo: I can tell, sir, that you’re the kind of man that has a lot of terrific plans for himself. Well, I think you ought to think about something.
Suzie: Let me buy you a drink, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh, thank you very much ma’am but I’m working. As a matter of fact, I can’t think of a time when I wasn’t working. You see, sir, here I am telling you something, sir, any accountant who is aware of a felony, he becomes an accessory to that felony unless he reports it to the proper authorities.
Suzie: I like the way you wear your hair.
Columbo: What I’m saying is, oh thank you very much ma’am, I like the way you wear yours. What I’m trying to say George, is, I really don’t think you’re going to be able to make it to the top with a police record. I don’t think so.
Suzie: Goodbye, Lieutenant. (to George) You have some very interesting friends.
George: I wish I were dead.
Columbo enters a restaurant. The waitress, by the way, is Jamie Lee Curtis.
George: Lieutenant.
Waitress: You buy that here?
Columbo: Uh, no, I bought it from the donut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator. But then I saw my friend here, and um; I’m terribly sorry. Well, let me see, uh, um, let’s see, um…
Waitress: I can come back..
Columbo: No, no no, I’ll have, I’ll have a donut.
George: I thought about what you said, Lieutenant,
Columbo: Sir, if it’ll be of any help to you, I know that Mr. Brandt lost lots of money on some stock options.
George: Alvin again!
Columbo: So Mr. Brandt needed money.
George: Have you met Mrs. Brandt?
Columbo: Yes.
George: Okay, I went back to the office one night, he was Mr. Hasting’s secretary at the time. Well, there he was, replacing some files, in Brandt’s office. Comfidential accounts that Brandt handled personally.
Columbo: Now this was when you were still Mr. Brandt’s secretary, right?
George: That’s right.
Columbo: Why would Alvin fiddle around with your bosses’ accounts?
George: Because Hastings told him to bring him the files. He must have suspected that his partner was engaged in some creative bookkeeping.
Waitress: That be all?
Columbo: Yes, very nice, thank you. Creative bookkeeping.
George: You see, most of our work is corporate. But Brandt likes to handle some of the individual accounts himself. Old clients. Mostly widows.
Columbo: Are these widows, sir, wealthy?
George: Loaded. I checked the files and ran some computer printouts.
Columbo: What’s the bottom line, sir?
George: Brandt has been sifting funds from his client’s accounts. A very nifty job.
Columbo: So you told your boss that Mr. Hastings knew what he was doing? Congratulations on your promotion, sir.
George: I’m always glad to cooperate, Lieutenant. Oh, good morning sir, I was just explaining to the Lieutenant that –
Oliver: Sit down, George, finish your grapefruit. I think I can guess what you were explaining. More tips for your nephew, right Lieutenant?
Columbo: Ah, right sir, George was telling me exactly how a young accountant gets ahead. Take my seat, sir, please.
George: Sir. He wasn’t talking about his nephew, sir. It’s Alvin again!
At Oliver Brandt’s office.
Xxx: Good morning Mr. Brandt, I’ve
Columbo: Good morning again, sir, I thought you’d rather talk up here.
Oliver: You’re at my desk.
Columbo: Oh, sorry, sir.
Oliver: You realize this is our busiest time of the year.
Columbo: Ah, yes, sir I understand, sir, and I wouldn’t bother you but ah, I’m afraid that Mr. Hastings might have been involved in some nasty things around here, sir. I know this is hard to believe, sir, but I happen to know that he had his secretary take some account files from your office.
Oliver: Alvin? Are you suggesting a conspiracy between Bertie and Alvin?
Columbo: I hate to say this, sir, but Mr. Hastings might have been doctoring those accounts.
Oliver: This comes as a terrible shock to me, Lieutenant. You have to excuse me.
Columbo: Oh, yes, sir, I understand sir, you certainly need time to think.
Alvin: Mr. Brandt!
Oliver: What is it?
Alvin: I owe it to myself to express my dissatisfaction. I was clearly in line for the position that you gave George.
Oliver: You dare to tell me your position in this firm? Damn you, niggling little twit. You self-serving ambitious lout.
Alvin: Maybe Mr. Hastings took this abuse from you, but I certainly will not.
Oliver: And you will take it too, Alvin, twentyfold. You’ll be a secretary here untill you’re old and grey. And if you try to work anywhere else, I’ll pull so many strings that you’ll strangle in them.
Alvin: But that’s not—
Oliver: Now go back to your desk. Suddenly, Alvin, you’re a great choking stench in my life. Get out!
At Oliver Brandt’s house.
Vivian: What was that!
Oliver: What?
Vivian: Well, the whole house shook..
Oliver: The world is crumbling, what do you expect?
Vivian: What is wrong with you?
Oliver: I have been betrayed. Pursued and threatened by inuendo. The least I could hope for is some understanding from my wife.
Vivian: It’s the new negliee I bought. Is that it?
Oliver: It is everything you have bought. We are in trouble.
Vivian: Of course. It’s my fault.
Oliver: Well, you are the mother of my predicament.
Vivian: And now, little Oliver wants to be mothered. Is that it?
Oliver: I want what is due me! Some affection. Understanding. Gratitude. Support. In the worst of times.
Vivian: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Oliver: I have embezzled funds! And I did it for you.
Vivian: Oliver, I’ve never understood about business. I belong to another part of your life.
Oliver: Do you understand what I am telling you?
Vivian: No. And I don’t think I want to.
The phone rings.
Oliver: (into phone)Oliver Brandt.
Sergeant: Mr. Brandt, this is Sergeant Cline. Lieutenant Columbo and Sergeant Burke would appreciate it if you would come by the Sigma Club right away.
At the Sigma Club, Oliver Brandt is climbing the stairs when he hears the music playing and gunshot sounds. He runs up the stairs to find Columbo there.
Oliver: There you are.
Columbo: Is that you, Mr. Brandt?
Oliver: It is, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Come on up, Mr. Brandt.
Sergeant Burke: Need anything else, sir?
Columbo: No, that’s fine. Goodnight, Sergeant.
Sergeant Burke: Good night, Lieutenant.
Columbo: Oh just in time, sir, perfect, I want you to see this. Now, I want you to see what happens, sir, when the record finishes. It was really very thoughtful of you, sir, to give this Victrola to the Club.
Oliver: I’m sure, I’m sure it would give them pleasure.
Columbo: I hope those explosions didn’t frighten you, sir, just experimenting. Soon. Ah, finished. Now watch, it glides across the record and it goes to this point righ there. Then it goes back again. Past this point here, right here, then it goes all the way back again and rests on this whatchamacallit. Now, I want you to notice this, sir. Here, on this whatchamacallit. Right here. Funny little scratches. Here, and here. You see those, sir?
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: A tiny clamp with teeth. Sergeant Burke thinks baby alligator clamps. Now a funny thing. You remember Miss Eisenback got a long-distance call?
Oliver: Yes, from her father.
Columbo: In Memphis. The call came in just after you left Mr. Hastings and came downstairs.
Oliver: Lieutenant Columbo—
Columbo: And then the call was interrupted and she had to hang up when she heard the shots.
Oliver: If you say so.
Columbo: Ah, here it is. I got this from the South Central Bell telephone company in Memphis. Here’s the call from her father. The date, how long they talked.
Oliver: All right. They talked four minutes.
Columbo: Which is almost exactly the same length of time the record player is set for. Watch. I’m gonna push the ‘play’ button. Notice that the arm doesn’t start at the beginning. It starts in the middle. And if you let that play, sir, you will take four minutes. And it does it every time.
Oliver: Lieutenant, is this what you called me out for?
Columbo: No, sir, not quite. To tell you the truth, sir, I have another reason. Mr. Brandt. I know exactly what you did and how you did it. The gold sack puzzle, sir. Mrs. Columbo figured it out. You said that there were these sacks of gold in a room, and that one of the sacks was filled with phony gold. And that the phony gold weighed more than the real gold. And that I had a penny scale but only one penny. And therefore only one chance to weigh anything. And I had to figure which of the sacks had the phony gold. Am I right so far, sir?
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: Oh well, let’s just say there were three sacks, because I have three sacks here. And we’ll just make believe that this chocolate is the gold. And each real gold piece weighed at least one pound. But one of these sacks has the phony gold. And the phony gold weighs one pound and one ounce. Am I right up to here, sir?
Oliver: Satisfactory so far.
Columbo: Follow me, sir. We’re going to the scale.
Oliver: Yes.
Columbo: And here’s the scale. Now. One bag, two bags, three bags. Now we take one piece from Bag One. We take two pieces from Bag Two. We take three pieces from Bag Three. How many pieces is that, sir?
Oliver: Six.
Columbo: Six. So far, so good. We take all six pieces. We put them on the scale. Now, if that were a regular scale, and if all six pieces were the real gold, it would weigh six pounds. But if the first bag had the phony pieces, it would weigh six pounds and one ounce. Because I only took one piece from the first bag. And if the second bag had the phony gold pieces, it would weigh six pounds and two ounces. Because I took two pieces from the second bag.
Oliver: Bravo, Lieutenant.
Columbo: And if the third bag were the phony bag, it would weigh six pounds and three ounces, and so on, and so on and so on. It’s a, it’s a terrific puzzle. It must be fun playing with these trains, it’d be terrific if we just had the time, right sir?
Oliver: Yes. It would be nice.
Columbo: You know, sir it’s a funny thing. All my life I kept running into smart people. I don’t just mean smart like you, and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school there were lots of smarter kids. And when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there. And I could tell right away it wasn’t going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. I figured if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open, maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.
Oliver: I can tell you do. There’s one thing I learned, Lieutenant, is that we all have a cross to bear. Including those of us who seem most fortunate. My problem is just the opposite. Born smart., as they say. A blessing, you’d think. I had no real childhood, I was an imitation adult, because that’s what was expected of me. Most people don’t like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So early on I had to hide my so-called gift and conceal it from my own brothers and sisters, my classmates, in the service. Painful. Lonely years.
Columbo: You know sir, I never thought of that.
Oliver: I wonder, if all those early bitter memories have something to do with my recent discovery that I simply no longer care even for my fellow intelligencia in this club. I find them eccentric bores.
Columbo: Mr. Brandt, now I’ve got a puzzle for you. Man ‘A’ wants to kill man ‘B’.
Oliver; What am I told?
Columbo: It’s kind of a minimum information problem, sir. The men are in a room, sir. Say this room. Lots of people downstairs. And man ‘A’, the killer, he plans to use a gun.
Oliver: Then the shot would be heard.
Columbo: Not with a silencer, sir.
Oliver: He’d also have to get rid of the gun. He would have to hide the gun. So the killer brings an umbrella with him. May I see your umbrella, sir?
Oliver: An umbrella to conceal a gun? Audacious and foolhardy I would say. But, you may test your theory if you wish.
Columbo: Oh, I don’t have a gun, sir. Never carry one. The killer has a gun.
Oliver: With a silencer. So you said.
Columbo: You see, sir, the killer plans to put the gun in the umbrella, and then hide the umbrella in the fireplace and take it away some other time.
Oliver: Ah, but then there would be soot on the umbrella.
Columbo: You are absolutely right, sir, there would be soot. Now there is a second use for the umbrella. You see these, sir. They’re like loud firecrackers, sir, we call them squibbs. Now the killer plans to fake some shots because the victim is already dead.
Oliver: I suggest that the squibbs would lead bits of paper when they explode. Telltale evidence.
Columbo: That’s why, sir, the killer plans to catch the shreds here.
Oliver: Most ingenious, Lieutenant. But wouldn’t the squibbs lead burn, scorch marks. This umbrella for instance is quite unmarked.
Columbo: You are absolutely right sir, but suppose this was the killers other umbrella. Oh, I forgot to tell you, sir. Last night when I was at your house, I took the wrong umbrella. Excuse me, sir. Just one moment. I took yours. It was an honest mistake, sir, and we’re not allowed to get evidence that way. But as long as I had it, the lab found burns from the squibbs. And lots of soot, sir.
Oliver: I see. Now, tell me this, Lieutenant. How were the squibbs detonated?
Columbo: Oh, the killer is a very intelligent man, sir. Watch. I put the squibbs in the umbrella, and the gun. We’ll pretend that this is the gun. Now the killer, wedges the umbrella up the chimney.
Oliver: You can’t be serious?
Columbo: Oh I am, sir, I am. Absolutely serious. Now we’ll just pretend that this umbrella is up the chimney. Now these wires, sir, they’re attached to a battery. And the same kind of squibs. Now, we’ll just put these in the umbrella. And we’ll run this wire, sir. Right over here to the Victrola. We push the ‘play’ button. And we attach the wires here, and here. Where I showed you those scratches, sir.
Oliver: Preposterous nonsense.
Columbo: Now the killer knows when the record will end.
Oliver: Yes, you demonstrated all that.
Columbo: And when the arm comes over, it will make contact. First here, exploding one squibb and then here, exploding the second.
Oliver: But the body fell between the two shots.
Columbo: Yes, sir, that’s where the killer takes a very big chance. The dictionary has a line here dividing it in half so that it can be balanced on the edge. You see, sir? Like this.
Oliver: Clever, but too unpredictable.
Columbo: Very important for the ilusion, sir.
Oliver: The sound of the body falling.
Oliver: But impossible to time.
Columbo: This killer is very intelligent, sir.
Oliver: Can he make the book fall between the two shots?
Columbo: Oh yes, sir.
Oliver: How? Triggered by what?
Columbo: I’ll show you.
Oliver: He would have to be a genius.
Columbo: I think so too, sir. Now I don’t mean to imply that I thought of this all by myself, I mena some of the smartest people in the world are righ there in this club and they helped me sir, they helped me a lot.
Oliver: Dunces the lot of them.
Columbo: Mr. Danzinger, the president of the club, you’re calling him a dunce?
Oliver: Oh ho, wouldn’t I.
Columbo: Well it was his idea, the book, the vibration—
Oliver: Vibration? What are you talking about?
Columbo: The first squibb, sir. He really made it sound very simple. When the squibb goes off it produces vibrations, and that knocks the book down. That Danzinger’s a genius.
Oliver: Vibrations. That nitwit. The man who conceived all this, you made him out to be a bungling ass. Now, this is what he would have done. This. Bang. Bang. This. Hahaha….There! Hahaha…Oh my. Oh my.
The phone rings, it is Vivian.
Columbo: (Into phone) Lieutenant Columbo. Oh yes, Mrs. Brandt, he’s right here. To Oliver: For you, sir.
Oliver: (Into phone) Yes?
Vivian: I’m so sorry, darling. Please come home. Come to bed. I need you.
Oliver: (into phone)Alas, my dear, I shall not be needing you. Anymore. (To Columbo) Was it the record player?
Columbo: Yes, sir. First it was the record player. Why would naybody start it in the middle?
Oliver: I should have changed the cuing. Extraordinary. That bothered you? Will you be taking me in?
Columbo: No, sir, someone will be along.
Oliver: Lieutenant, what did you say your IQ was?
Columbo: I really don’t know, sir.
Oliver; Must be very high. My own is..ah, we have a test here. Oh yeah.
Columbo: I’m really not very good at that sort of thing, sir.
Oliver: You’d be surprised. At yourself. Xxx We can go directly to the more difficult questions. Ah yes, here we are. Lieutenant, I’m going to give you four words. And you tell me which one does not belong. Asphalt. Uncle. Delight. Leave.
Columbo: Which word doesn’t belong? Asphalt. Uncle. Delight. Leave. Well, let me see. We got Uncle Sam, Dutch Uncle. Asphalt’s the word, sir. Because you can have Turkish Delight, French Leave, and Dutch Uncle all nationalities.
Oliver: Lieutenant, have you ever considered a different line of work?
Columbo: Me, sir? Nooo, never! I couldn’t do that.
Boo Hoo you’ve got me crying for you.
And as I sit here and sigh, says I
I can’t believe it’s true.
Boo Hoo, I’ll tell my mama on you.
The little game that you played
Has made her baby oh so blue.
You left me in the lurch.
You left me waiting at the church.
Boo hoo That’s why I’m crying for you
Ssomeday you’ll feel like I do
And you’ll be boo-hoo-hooin’ too.
Boo Hoo you’ve got me crying for you.
And as I sit here and sigh, says I
I can’t believe it’s true.